Aries Horoscope for February 20, 2011

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You're about as balanced as a three-legged table today. Either find another leg to stand on or lay on your back (i.e. rest) so you don't topple over. Nobody wants to deal with trying to help you out today, so don't impose.

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Aries Horoscope for February 19, 2011

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Refrain from using criticism as a way of helping others today. If you actually listened to the horrendous stuff that flies out of your mouth you would better understand why everyone thinks you're a total jerk.

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Aries Horoscope for February 18, 2011

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Jump into a project today -- any ol' project. After all, when's the last time you attempted to do something remotely productive? You can figure out the details later when you're cursing yourself out for agreeing to get involved in the first place.

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Aries Horoscope for February 15, 2011

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You'll need to entertain yourself, especially if you want to keep the friends you have. Better find something mentally challenging (Chutes and Ladders, anyone?) to prevent you from going stir-crazy. Truth is, you can be really annoying when you're antsy.

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Aries Horoscope for February 14, 2011

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Give off an air of mystery today. If you leave something up to the imagination, you'll have a better chance of hooking a sucker, er, mate. Once you've captured him or her, you can then reveal your hopelessly boring self.

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Aries Horoscope for February 13, 2011

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You'll feel as if you're walking in someone else's shoes today -- that's because you put on two left shoes this morning. It's high time you paid attention to your appearance. Ever wonder why you never get anywhere in life? Look at your wardrobe.

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Aries Horoscope for February 12, 2011

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It's time to transform your look. Frosty makeup, puffy shoulder pads and Reebok high tops went out decades ago. You don't have to completely modernize your look -- just make sure it falls somewhere in the new millennium.

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Aries Horoscope for February 11, 2011

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You'll keep yourself busy as a bee today so you don't have to feel the pain of a recent sting. This may work for a little while, but it's going to throb like hell when you're all alone at the end of the day. Make sure you have plenty of vodka on hand to ease the pain.

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Aries Horoscope for February 11, 2011

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You'll keep yourself busy as a bee today so you don't have to feel the pain of a recent sting. This may work for a little while, but it's going to throb like hell when you're all alone at the end of the day. Make sure you have plenty of vodka on hand to ease the pain.

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Aries Horoscope for February 09, 2011

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If you feel as if your life is lacking love, it's time to learn to love yourself. Whip up a candlelit dinner, play soft music and then do whatever it is you need to do. And don't share your forays into autoeroticism with anyone else -- nobody wants to hear about it.

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Aries Horoscope for February 08, 2011

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Swimming with sharks is going to get you eaten buddy, especially when it comes to business. Hang out in a smaller pond where you belong. You're not charismatic or smart enough to swim with the big fish -- the sooner you accept that reality, the better.

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Aries Horoscope for February 07, 2011

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Something will arouse your curiosity today, and you'll end up being totally perplexed. This confusing thing is far from inexplicable. You just make everything more complicated than it has to be. Stop overthinking everything -- it'll get you nowhere.

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Aries Horoscope for February 06, 2011

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You're bordering on delusional today. But nobody blames you for it -- if they had your life, they'd live in a fantasy world too. Just keep your crazy ramblings to yourself. In your case, it's all about keeping up the appearance of normality.

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Aries Horoscope for February 05, 2011

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Go ahead -- test out that new idea today. If it doesn't go over well, point the finger at anything other than your lack of intelligence. You can try to blame others for your failure, but nobody's buying it. They all know what a hack you really are.

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Aries Horoscope for February 04, 2011

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Lavish yourself with attention today. You might as well do it since no one else is going to. And since you're starving for a little human contact, why not go for a massage or pay a visit to the dentist. It's the best way to get some one-on-one contact without going to jail.

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Aries Horoscope for January 30, 2011

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You'll get credit for helping out someone today, but only because you'll just happen to be in the right place at the right time. God knows you'd never consciously go out of your way to lend a hand. You're normally just a selfish, miserly twit.

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Aries Horoscope for January 29, 2011

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Sure, you can be hardworking and honest, but that only means the jerks are climbing up the corporate ladder, while you're still stuck in the mailroom earning minimum wage. If you want to make a dent in your career, it's time to grow some balls.

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Aries Horoscope for January 28, 2011

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Your first impulse is to impress friends you don't have -- that means you tend to spend cash you don't have. God knows nobody would want to be seen with you unless you were footing the bill. It's a good thing you have lots of credit, although that's drying up too.

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Aries Horoscope for January 27, 2011

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Your raw emotions have you feeling more wishy-washy than ever. You couldn't make a decision and stick with it if your life counted on it. Stop being everyone's doormat and grow a pair. Pleasing everyone at your own expense isn't going to get your anywhere.

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Aries Horoscope for January 26, 2011

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You're feeling a little fuzzy about how to handle a certain situation. If you're unsure about it, head for the hills baby! Avoidance is your best strategy. In fact, it's your only strategy. Out of sight, out of mind -- that's your motto!

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