Pisces Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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Your life is nothing more than a bad movie: weak characters, plots that go nowhere and unbelievable corny special effects. It's almost too late to do anything about it. If you can't change, you might as well excel at being a total and complete failure.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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Things start to fall apart at the outset today when you discover a new crosshatch of lines on your face. But there's an upside to aging -- you'll find a tremendous freedom by giving in to the ravages of age and gravity. Embrace the bags, baby!

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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Today you'll be forced to come to terms with the fact that you have absolutely no control over your own life. Trying to take control probably won't make you feel any better -- and you probably won't succeed anyway.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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While you've always known the world was made up of 'us and them,' you've never really known which one you were. Today the answer finally surfaces when you find yourself in the company of 'them.'

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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Right now your inner thoughts are about as pleasant as the innards of a scurvy-infested ship. Do whatever it takes to rid yourself of that disease -- a new exercise regime, a beauty makeover, or maybe a long-overdue apology will do the trick.

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Libra Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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Today, the weight of all the things you've always meant to do but haven't done will crush you into a humility you've never felt before. It'll be hard to pull yourself off the couch, so just lie there and hatch another insane plan.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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This is a perfect day to come up with solutions to those problems you initiated yesterday. But as usual, while you're building up with one hand, you'll be tearing down with the other. Maybe a day off to regroup would do you a world of good. Try it.

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Leo Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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Your life used to be an embarrassment of riches, but lately, after a series of wrong turns, gaffes and mishaps, it's just an embarrassment. You could try to turn things around, but it probably won't work.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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Somebody has done you wrong, and today you're going to do something about it. Your best bet is pure, unsullied revenge. If that doesn't work, lie in wait and watch. If you're looking hard, you'll discover their weaknesses. Hit 'em where it hurts.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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A clerical error paints a not-so-pretty picture of you and your activities in life thus far. With any luck, something good will come out of it. But that's not likely. You may want to make plans to flee the country before you're caught.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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Practice your poker face. When you're at your next job interview, you'll need to be able to lie calmly about being highly skilled at whatever it is they want you to be highly skilled at. It's all in the delivery -- just make sure you cover your tracks.

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Aries Horoscope for February 28, 2010

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Your endless promises to stay on the straight and narrow prove (once again) to be as empty as empty can be. You'll have to get by on charm, which won't be easy for a curmudgeon like yourself. When personality fails, bribery works wonderfully!

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Pisces Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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You know, the world is populated by billions of people, but somehow, you've managed to alienate yourself from everyone. Aren't you concerned that you have trouble finding someone you can stand to talk to for more than five minutes?

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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You'll finally meet someone who makes your heart skip a beat, but you may have a heart attack when you realize how much this person has been lying to you. Check that wedding-ring finger -- do you see a tan line?

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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Your newest pet project suddenly seems like a real pain in the ass, and you're wondering whether all the sacrifice and frustration is worth it. Probably not, but you're nothing if not tenacious, so keep plugging away and see what happens.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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It'll take every ounce of self-control you have to keep from going ballistic when someone you live with eats all your potato chips, uses all the toilet paper and drains the last bit of soda. To top it off, they're completely unapologetic about it all.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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Something you thought would be a fun will turn out to be a total nightmare. That's what you get for trying to plan something. Next time, leave the details to someone who knows what they're doing.

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Libra Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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A recent bout of insomnia has left you wobbling like a punch-drunk boxer. Your friends find your brain-dead behavior pretty amusing, but your colleagues would be happy to push you out of a plane without a parachute. Get your act together, quickly.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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You're full of fire and action. Think of today as a short sprint through enemy territory. Your plans are meaningless; your decisions, questionable. Never explain and never apologize. When in doubt, accelerate and bulldoze over whomever is in your way.

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Leo Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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If you see the opportunity to pick a fight, go ahead and pick it -- because it's just a matter of time before this person starts something with you. Strike hard and fast, and fight dirty. After all, nothing is fair in love and war.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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It'll become clear today that someone close to you is harboring very unrealistic expectations of you. You don't know where this person got these expectations, but your job now is to relieve her or him of them. After all, why should you carry the burden?

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Gemini Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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You'll be forced to come to terms with the fact that you haven't gotten better with age; in fact, you'll find yourself avoiding not only mirrors but rooms with harsh lighting and anyone younger than you. It's time to move in to that old folk's home.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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That person or thing you thought you had to have turns out to be nothing more than a passing fancy. With any luck, you haven't sealed the deal with a down payment or an expensive diamond ring just yet! Back off and reconsider for now.

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Aries Horoscope for February 27, 2010

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It's time to rattle the cage and do something different. If you've been doing the same old, same old for decades, it's definitely a great time to switch it up. Try something totally new -- you'll be glad you found a way out of your rut.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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It'll be years before you know whether the life-changing decision you made today was really the right choice. You have a 50-50 chance of getting it right and a 50-50 chance of getting it wrong. Just cross your fingers and hope it turns out in your favor.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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When you try to pass off your pajamas as a new fashion trend, you'll end up looking not only lazy but insane -- give yourself credit when everyone else at the office starts looking lazy and insane next week.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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You're an adult now, so stop with the smiley faces and cartoon characters. If you're still harboring childish clothing, now's a good time to clean out your closet and expunge your life of youthful exuberance. It's time to grow up and be miserable.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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While you always hoped that you'd be able to step into the role of evil genius at some point in your life, today you'll finally come to terms with the fact that you are pretty nice though not really that smart.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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You'll awake filled with bubbling inspiration, and spend a large part of the day making lists of all the things you are going to do the next time you awake filled with bubbling inspiration, thus avoiding all chance of accomplishment.

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Libra Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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No one really ever seems to understand how confusing things are for you. Poor thing. Maybe it has something to do with your inability to communicate with others; or maybe it has to do with your constant complaining. Either way, you're on your own.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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Someone in your world needs a little more attention -- it's probably the person who's been telling you quite clearly that they need a little more attention. Listening every once in a while is helpful!

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Leo Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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Pretend it's bathing suit season and treat yourself to a well-lit peek in the mirror. Once you've regained consciousness, roll into the sitting position, gather your wits, then make a plan. It's time to cut back on food and rev up your exercise schedule.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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An older relative will make an appearance today -- when you look in the mirror and see them staring back at you! Botox is seeming more and more like your new best friend all the time. Even a little nip and tuck will do you a world of good.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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If only you'd learn to schedule your time a little better, you'd be able to have a night out once in a while like everyone else seems to -- but then you'd have to leave the house, and that would take effort.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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Opportunity knocks today -- but you'll be zoned out on video games and won't hear the banging. Sadly, this means you'll be stuck in your dead-end job and dating losers until the next time opportunity is in the 'hood, which won't be for a good, long while.

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Aries Horoscope for February 26, 2010

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Life is short, uncertain and often depressing, so stop making such an effort already. Let yourself go: buy a bigger pant size, double park, run red lights and dance on a table top -- if it's strong enough to hold you!

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Pisces Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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Your attempts to medicate yourself will fall short of the intended goal when you run out of drugs and booze. You can't put enough chemicals in your body to turn off the noise in your head. Start investing in pharmaceutical companies.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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When an innocent joke sparks your own personal version of World War III, you'll be pressed to admit that it's been a very long time since you were innocent. You should also probably start looking for new material.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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Welcome the events of the day -- after all, you created them. Though your actions have wrought this catastrophic tail-spinning mess, know that the outcome will be miles better than what you're dealing with now -- or worse.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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Limiting your caloric intake is a great way to shrink your waistline and increase your lifespan. But you're not interested in all that. You'd rather root for instant gratification. After all, what good is life if you can't stuff your face?

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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Healthy? You? Now that's a laugh. You're riddled with obesity and your extremities are full of gout. The only thing you have going for you is you're halfway decent looking under all that blubber and disease. Slim down and shape up!

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Libra Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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Ignorance itself isn't necessarily life threatening, but the side-effects -- such as not being able to read instructions, driving on the wrong side of the road and eating poisonous mushrooms -- can be. Fill your brain with a little knowledge today, just to be safe.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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Resist the urge to get that tattoo you've been fantasizing about since high school. The delicate ladybug will end up looking like a cigarette burn, and a dragonfly is just not that original. Plus, anything you get on your belly will be stretched out in five years.

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Leo Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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Sometimes freedom just feels a lot like being alone. But still, it's better than the herd of cats and the gaggle of unruly roommates you used to live with. Consider it progress through pain, even if you feel like blowing your brains out.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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Keep your distance when it comes to a potential new love today -- your current moronic mood will pretty much ruin everything, given the opportunity. If you do end up face to face with a hottie, pretend you're someone else.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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Though you're tired of the scorn that has been heaped on you lately, you just can't seem to stop behaving badly. And why should you? It's everyone else's fault, isn't it? Keep up the bad work -- you'll soon find yourself alone and more miserable than you are now.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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The demands of your home life will weigh on you today when you're accused of trying to poison your family with your shamefully bad cooking. You weren't trying to make them sick, but a little quiet time would be nice for once.

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Aries Horoscope for February 25, 2010

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After a sudden argument with your boss, you'll decide to take a walk to blow off some steam, and instead of going back to work, you'll just keep walking. Better pick up a few job applications on your way home!

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Pisces Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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The people who have to put up with you are sick to death of your longwinded explanations about things they aren't really interested in -- they're all secretly hoping that you'll just cut to the chase, or better yet, that you'll just go away.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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Midway through an attempt to recapture your glory days, you'll be forced to admit that you look a little foolish in those checkerboard pants and that dark eyeliner, and you probably always did. It's a new year -- try a new style for once.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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You've always loved extreme weather, but you're getting a little tired of rain boots being your primary fashion statement. You could put on a bathing suit and parade around your apartment, but that would scare people away.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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Deep down you know there are millions of people out there living millions of happy productive lives -- but knowing this won't make you feel any better about the miserable state of your own affairs.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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In an effort to cheer yourself up today, you'll attempt to disguise yourself as a happy, successful person. Your true colors will be revealed when you break into sobs as you step into your apartment and realize just how lousy your life really is.

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Libra Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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Clean up your act already. It's gotten pretty bad -- to the point where people are embarrassed to be seen in your presence. You don't know what's good for you, so listen to someone who does. If you're smart, you'll get back on track, quickly.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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Small traces of your beauty queen aspirations still linger in the back of your mind, and today something or someone will trigger the urge to dust of your tiara and practice your plea for world peace. If that doesn't work, find a married man to have an affair with.

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Leo Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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A blustery day will blow new trouble into your world -- and seeing as you've exhausted all the old trouble, it'll be a welcome addition to your life. Problem is, you've lost your latest partner in crime and the choices are slim. Looks like you're in this alone.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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Prepare to be misunderstood today -- though with the right attitude it can make things pretty amusing. Just remember this when nothing goes your way. Don't be afraid to repeat yourself. In fact, that's probably the best tack at this point.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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There are times in your life when you have to admit you've been a stranger to the truth -- and if you look long and hard, you'll have to admit this is one of those times. It'll be less painful if you're honest with yourself and everyone around you. Fess up!

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Taurus Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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While training for a marathon, it'll occur to you that you don't really know what you're running from, and the whole thing will start to feel a little silly. You'll decide, instead, to face your fears from the comfort of the bleachers.

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Aries Horoscope for February 24, 2010

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While the big break you've been working toward for years looms on the horizon, you're doing everything you can to undo all your good work -- relax, you'll probably succeed in not succeeding. That's what's expected, at least.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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You already know that your healthy lifestyle is on the verge of boring you to death -- but when you find yourself getting really excited about the new bulk granola at the health food store, you'll realize it's time to do something naughty.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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You used to think there was a certain romance in having your life fall to pieces, but eventually you'll have to admit that your reverence of the punk-rock ethic is overrated, and you'll be forced to grow up.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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In a last-ditch effort to capture the lost shreds of your youth, you'll make the questionable decision to pull on your '70s bell bottoms and go to Disco Night at the local dance club. When the night is over, you'll be ready to put those glory years behind you.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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After an inspiring day at work, you'll spend the evening curled up on the couch watching very interesting documentaries about the rich and famous. You'll soon discover that observing the lives of people luckier and more popular than you is kind of a buzz kill.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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The grey skies and the chill of winter are a perfect reflection of your current state of mind. Catastrophic melancholy doesn't begin to describe the half of it. You are a walking, whining country song!

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Libra Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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If alienating most of your friends and all of your family was your desired goal, then it's time to look around at the beautiful mess you've made of things, and congratulate yourself on a job well done.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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You'll find yourself distracted at work today, and people will notice. It's fine if your coworkers are the only witnesses, but when your boss starts to perk up, you'd better pretend like you're working. Otherwise, it could spell disaster for you.

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Leo Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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It's good to let your mind wander -- but there's a time and a place for everything. Be careful today while shaving and chopping vegetables. If you're changing a light switch, make sure the electricity is off and your brain is on.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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Today you'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone is lying to you; however, you won't have any idea who, or why, or what to do about it -- which is really no better than being in the dark.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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Your normally effortless flirtatiousness will elude you today. Without your usual charm, you're nothing more than a boring lump of skin and bones. You'll have trouble keeping a straight face when you hear the things that come out of your mouth.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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You'll be accused of overreacting today. You can't help it -- the rage will come out of nowhere. That's what happens when you keep it all pent up inside. Try to avoid people and sharp objects today. The danger will pass by tomorrow.

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Aries Horoscope for February 23, 2010

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Today you'll waste so much time trying to help solve someone else's work problems that you'll come very close to losing your own job. Why do you do that? Your life is way more important than some slob you work with. Tend to your own issues first.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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Someone's likely to eject you forcibly from an establishment you frequent. You're a bad seed and everyone knows it. Perhaps a stint in prison will make the events of your life flow a little smoother.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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Oh, look who woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. You're awfully critical, aren't you? Instead of bitching about your friends and coworkers, and driving everyone crazy with your complaints, why don't you just shut the hell up for once?

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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It'll take you all of an hour to complete the task that's been hanging over your head for days -- but only if you stop complaining and actually get to work. The sooner you stop procrastinating, the sooner you'll get this heinous chore out of the way.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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You can't force someone to like you, but that shouldn't stop you from trying. Go ahead, put your heart and your ego on the line. It's all a huge waste of time anyway -- after all, nobody really gives a crap about your loneliness.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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Today it becomes clear you've been making the grave error of thinking it is perfectly all right to ignore your significant other. Turns out you misread the memo; however, it's probably too late to do anything about it.

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Libra Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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All you want today is to have a little sliver of time to yourself. Is that too much to ask? Yes, evidently it is. You will be taunted and dogged by absolutely everyone. You might have to scream to get your point across.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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If you were the leader of a small nation, the citizens would march in the streets with protest signs and slogans referencing your recent bad decision-making abilities. Lucky for you, the revolution will not be televised.

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Leo Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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Reality will deflate your visions of grandeur today when you find out that the person you're seeing only agreed to date you because they actually thought you were someone else. Ouch. Well, look on the bright side -- at least you have a date.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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Just when you thought it was safe to show your face around town again, you run into yet another person who witnessed your last debacle -- the smirk on their face fills in the gap of your forgotten memories. Cringe and walk away quickly!

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Gemini Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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Today an unlikely person will sneak under your skin and tempt you toward something that is best left alone. Don't worry, you can't ignore this thing -- you like trouble too much. You're attracted to it like bees are to honey.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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Life is just a series of choices, and even if you're choosing them at random, you'd have a better success rate than is evidenced by the sorry state of your current affairs. Think. Think. Think. Then pursue a course of action.

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Aries Horoscope for February 22, 2010

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Daydreaming about your fantasy vacation won't bring you any closer to making it a reality. A little less thought and a lot more action is in order. If you're ever going to get there, you need to stop stargazing.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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You thought you'd squeaked by that questionable act, but someone tricks you into a confession. Avoid the urge to lie. If you can't, it's a great time to improve those fibbing skills. Remember, practice makes perfect!

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Your karma is shot to hell. You'd better clean up your attitude or you'll come back as a cockroach in your next life. Come to think of it, you're still working off the bad deeds from your past life. Whoa -- you have a long way to go, baby.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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You think of it as intellectual banter, but others call it your argumentative streak. It's good to know what others say about you now and then -- at least sometimes it is. Most of the time, you take everything way too personally.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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At first, your head will spin when you meet a kindred spirit. But as your dysfunctional faults merge, and emit double doses of derangement, the insanity will overwhelm those around you. As far as you're concerned, it's pure, unadulterated bliss!

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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People have always come to you for advice, and frankly you're a little tired of it. Try giving them the worst advice humanly possible and see how long it takes for them to catch on and stop asking.

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Libra Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Your habit of acting as if everything is okay when it's not drives people insane, but it also happens to work much of the time. Some call it cowardly avoidance, you call it a lifestyle. And really, as long as you're okay with it, that's all that matters!

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Virgo Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Your recent behavior at a late-night extravaganza could be the kiss of death to your local reputation. It might be a good idea to start shopping around for a new place to live -- preferably in another state or even a different country.

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Leo Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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A funny thing will happen to you on the way to the office today. Your coworkers, however, will tire of hearing you rehash the story a million times. Don't be surprised to find yourself drugged and locked in an empty office for the rest of the day.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Today is one of those days you just have to learn to live all over again. No, it won't be pretty or easy, but the rewards will be great, especially when you learn to walk and talk. It'll be totally different from your old way of living. Yee haw!

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Gemini Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Turning over a new leaf really was your intention, but you've grown overly fond of the trouble associated with your old baggage. Enjoy it while it lasts. The new leaf will arrive soon enough, and you'll have to tolerate lots of stuff you hate.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Your pursuit for love is once again thwarted when the responses to your most recent personal ad are merely people pointing out all the grammatical and spelling errors. The surest route to love is through a dictionary.

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Aries Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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You've always said that a good cup of tea and a hot bath can solve any problem. Your faulty reasoning proves you won't have either when you lose your job and can't pay your water bill. If you actually had a sane thought to begin with, you'd still be employed.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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You thought you'd squeaked by that questionable act, but someone tricks you into a confession. Avoid the urge to lie. If you can't, it's a great time to improve those fibbing skills. Remember, practice makes perfect!

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Your karma is shot to hell. You'd better clean up your attitude or you'll come back as a cockroach in your next life. Come to think of it, you're still working off the bad deeds from your past life. Whoa -- you have a long way to go, baby.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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You think of it as intellectual banter, but others call it your argumentative streak. It's good to know what others say about you now and then -- at least sometimes it is. Most of the time, you take everything way too personally.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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At first, your head will spin when you meet a kindred spirit. But as your dysfunctional faults merge, and emit double doses of derangement, the insanity will overwhelm those around you. As far as you're concerned, it's pure, unadulterated bliss!

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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People have always come to you for advice, and frankly you're a little tired of it. Try giving them the worst advice humanly possible and see how long it takes for them to catch on and stop asking.

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Libra Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Your habit of acting as if everything is okay when it's not drives people insane, but it also happens to work much of the time. Some call it cowardly avoidance, you call it a lifestyle. And really, as long as you're okay with it, that's all that matters!

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Virgo Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Your recent behavior at a late-night extravaganza could be the kiss of death to your local reputation. It might be a good idea to start shopping around for a new place to live -- preferably in another state or even a different country.

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Leo Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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A funny thing will happen to you on the way to the office today. Your coworkers, however, will tire of hearing you rehash the story a million times. Don't be surprised to find yourself drugged and locked in an empty office for the rest of the day.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Today is one of those days you just have to learn to live all over again. No, it won't be pretty or easy, but the rewards will be great, especially when you learn to walk and talk. It'll be totally different from your old way of living. Yee haw!

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Gemini Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Turning over a new leaf really was your intention, but you've grown overly fond of the trouble associated with your old baggage. Enjoy it while it lasts. The new leaf will arrive soon enough, and you'll have to tolerate lots of stuff you hate.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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Your pursuit for love is once again thwarted when the responses to your most recent personal ad are merely people pointing out all the grammatical and spelling errors. The surest route to love is through a dictionary.

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Aries Horoscope for February 21, 2010

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You've always said that a good cup of tea and a hot bath can solve any problem. Your faulty reasoning proves you won't have either when you lose your job and can't pay your water bill. If you actually had a sane thought to begin with, you'd still be employed.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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Once again, your arrogance will prevent the people around you from having a good time -- at least until you leave the room and they are free to launch into their impressions of you, which happen to be pretty accurate and damn funny.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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Hit the gym today and start working on your bitchin' new look. While you're at it, make sure you take care of what's under the hood. Eat right and take a peek at those self-help books you've been piling, unread, on your nightstand.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's probably not a sloth. When someone tries to convince you that something isn't what it appears to be, don't fall for it. You know what you know, so stick to your guns. It's okay to be right once in a while.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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Your quest to find the lost utopia of your youth proves futile when a phone call from a family member reminds you that there was nothing about your youth that was even remotely utopian.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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Karma isn't some gadget you order on TV. At some point, you'll have to stop waiting for the world to deliver success right to your doorstep, and go out and earn it. Unless, of course, you're fond of mail-order university degrees.

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Libra Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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You'll look around today and wonder how you ended up where you are. Whether it's good or bad, you won't be able to decide whom to blame for your fate -- you know you didn't do anything to deserve it!

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Virgo Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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When a friend sits you down, plays all of her favorite music for you, and insists that you listen attentively for hours on end, you'll make a solemn promise to stop subjecting your friends to this sort of thing.

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Leo Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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In an attempt to prove you are a free spirit, willing to go wherever the four winds take you, you will toss a dart at a map and then buy a Greyhound ticket to that very location. Unfortunately, you'll tire quickly and that ticket will go unused.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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The freedom you've been enjoying is about to come to a crashing halt, so make the most of it! Lounge in bed. Watch trash TV. And get all those crank phone calls out of the way. Indulge in all your guilty pleasures.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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The anger you feel toward a family member, friend or significant other is obvious to anyone who talks to you today. Don't take your ire out on everyone. Instead, plot your revenge and focus your attention on the people who deserve it.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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You will trudge through your day, calmly taking abuse from everyone you come into contact with. When you get home, you'll embark on a murderous rampage. Just make sure you leave certain people out of it -- they're stronger than you are.

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Aries Horoscope for February 20, 2010

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Admitting failure is the first step in turning your pathetic situation around. Go ahead and say it: 'I made a huge mistake.' Doesn't that feel good? Now get out there and make something better happen.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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Though you've always wished you were a bit more creative, you're happy you didn't have the dysfunctional upbringing that goes along with an artistic disposition. Perhaps just dressing like an artist will satisfy your desire. Do you have a beret?

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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Someone you've been missing a lot lately hasn't been missing you at all -- and this will become clear when your attempt to reach out gets a chilly reception. Cross this person off next year's holiday-card list and be done with it!

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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The people you live with are a pain in the ass. Spend the day sharpening your wit and making lists of their flaws -- be ready for a battle when you get home tonight. You'll win because you're well prepared and they're not.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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Every once in a while, it's a good idea to try on a new life. Let your mind wander and imagine what it would feel like to actually enjoy yourself. You won't be able to sustain it, so prepare to slide back into your dull existence PDQ.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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Getting out of bed will be a major accomplishment today. If you do manage to drag your carcass off your mattress, you'd do well to pay it forward. You need to earn your place in this world, and quickly. Your karma's rapidly rotting away.

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Libra Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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If you've been having a hard time reaching your goals lately, lower the goalposts a little. Diminished expectations are probably the most direct route to happiness these days. So what if you can't achieve perfection? Mediocrity is good enough for you.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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Spend the day trying to make up for some of that bad karma you've been racking up. Smile at children and the elderly, wave sweetly at the a-hole who honks at you and say something nice to your significant other. Any little bit helps right now.

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Leo Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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The stars hold the answers for you today, but those answers are written in code. After spending the day trying to decipher that code, you'll forget what the questions were in the first place. It's for the best -- you weren't going to figure it out anyway.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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You were once offended when a random stranger called you a loser. But now, after careful consideration and a dozen failed relationships behind you, you're starting to understand what that stranger meant. Funny how things come full circle, isn't it?

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Gemini Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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It's unfortunate that your problem-solving abilities are limited to pacing up and down the hall and walking in circles, because you might actually get somewhere in life if you were able to learn a few new tricks. Ask around for advice.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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Friends pass you on the street without a trace of recognition in their eyes, your dog refuses to acknowledge your presence and automatic doors don't open for you. You can't help but wonder why you've suddenly turned invisible.

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Aries Horoscope for February 19, 2010

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You've been longing for a sophisticated night of sexy intrigue in the big city, but circumstances beyond your control will force you to settle for reruns of 'Sex and the City.' Well, it could be worse -- at least you have a DVD player and a TV.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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When you made the arrangements to have lunch with an old friend, you were pretty sure you no longer harbored any ill will toward them. After all, this person did sleep with your ex. Don't order anything hot, just in case you change your mind.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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You can fault others for the disaster your life has become, but the reality is, you're the one to blame. You're self-centered, obnoxious and irresponsible. The people around you are really just doing the best they can, considering the circumstances.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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As you flip through the channels today, you'll start to feel like the infomercials are targeted at you, and you'll begin to feel like a freak. By the end of the day you'll embrace your freakishness and get three new piercings.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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Today a wave of nostalgia will hit you. You'll want to return to just about every other place you've ever been. Pay a little more attention to making your current life the one you want to live in and stop looking backward -- it's a definite waste of time.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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Your hard work is rewarded today when the person you've been chasing after for years finally notices you. But when they turn out to be an insufferable bore, you'll think twice about relentlessly pursing anyone from now on.

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Libra Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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Sure, opposites attract, but in your case, nobody in their right mind would want to date you. Find someone as close to yourself as possible. That way, familiarity will rule this relationship and the two of you will fall blissfully in love.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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Beating yourself up over the same tired subject is really of little use. Why not just steer into the skid and see whether you can have a bit of fun for a change? At the very least, you might find something new to beat yourself up over!

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Leo Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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Your neighborhood is going to the dogs and your affinity for rescuing strays is part of the problem, not part of the solution. If you insist on living in a kennel you can expect your social life to drop off considerably.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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People will think you're really deep if you don't say anything. Keep quiet all day long -- with a book tucked under your arm -- and see how people react. If you get nothing but positive feedback, you've found a new persona, one that obviously works.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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With all of your bridges safely burned, it's time to sit back, watch the smoke spiral in the air and contemplate your next move. Perhaps there's a village somewhere in need of a new idiot. In fact, you can bet your bottom dollar a job is waiting for you somewhere.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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A simple request will turn into a enormous fiasco when you forget to fulfill your promise. Going into hiding is probably the best course of action, but that can only last for so long. This person and their posse will eventually hunt you down. Deal with it ASAP.

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Aries Horoscope for February 18, 2010

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When lunch with a friend turns into a heated bitchfest that leaves you feeling like someone let the air out of your tires, you'll cross this person off your list of interesting ways to waste your time. You're better off practicing voodoo on your own.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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Take a moment of silence for the passing of your dearly departed conscience. After you get through that moment of silence, things should start moving along a little more easily, only because any moral fiber you had previously is totally dead and gone.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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You'll feel nostalgic today when you hear a song from the 80s. You'll be tempted to look up that old fling and try to rekindle that unrequited love, but if you know what's good for you, you won't stick your hand back in that fire. It will definitely get burned!

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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You've always been impressed and a little jealous of people with extensive vocabularies, so you'll decide to spend the day pretending you have one as well. You'll be outed by your egregious mispronunciations and inability to define the words you're using.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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Your past mistakes will crash down on you today if you're not careful. Lock your office door and resist the urge to check your email every three minutes. You might have a chance of getting some work done if you focus and don't give in to distractions.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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You realize you aren't ready for a serious relationship -- good for you! It's more fun to play the field and experiment right now. Just don't get involved with the same old losers you always fall for. Stick to your plan and you'll meet Mr. or Mrs. Mediocre in no time.

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Libra Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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Save your breath when it comes to trying to smooth over a problem with a new friend. Take a cue from the animal kingdom and scamper off the second you catch a whiff of something or someone disagreeable. Hide until the danger passes.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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Your sense of direction really leaves a lot to be desired, so if you're faced with playing the navigator today, relinquish your duties to someone who knows how to read a map. Otherwise, you and everyone else may end up in Timbuktu, or worse.

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Leo Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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You're still not sure what the big deal is, even after people have explained it to you over and over again. If you haven't figured it out by now, chances are, it'll never make sense. Move on to something more basic -- if it's made for a child, it's perfect for you!

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Cancer Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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An invitation to an ex's engagement party may arrive in the mail and send you into a spiraling reverie about past mistakes and a grim future. Combat this by going shopping for a killer party outfit -- just make sure it fits appropriately.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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Today is the day to take stock of your accomplishments in life thus far. If the list is too short for your liking -- and it will be -- maybe it's time to get your crap together and attain at least one major goal before you die. Don't worry, you have plenty of time.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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A moral dilemma you should be able to clear up with a snap decision will torture you for most of the day. Eventually you'll ignore your morals and get on with the dilemma. If that doesn't work, sneak away from the turmoil and hide until it disappears.

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Aries Horoscope for February 16, 2010

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Upward mobility will continue to elude you, no matter how much ass-kissing and screwing your way to the top you do, so settle into that trailer and get used to it. What's so wrong will a sub-par existence anyway? At least you're not expected to do much.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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If you miss the chance to improve your life today, it's your own dang fault. You're so busy trying to be like everyone else, you'll totally bypass an opportunity to be yourself. But that's typical -- you're not known for your ability to see the big picture.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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Calamity will strike when you attempt to convince yourself that you can accomplish the same things most people do with ease. The problem is, you're not most people. In fact, you're pretty worthless when it comes right down to it.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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Your plans for a road trip will be dashed when you remember that you can't drive. Your attempt to console yourself with a nice home-cooked meal will end badly when you realize you never learned to cook either. Don't you think it's time you learned something useful?

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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The dating world is a scary and hard place to exist in, especially when you lie about everything. A little fib here and there is one thing, but concocting huge prevarications about your livelihood and online presence is another.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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Truth is stranger than fiction. You should know this better than anyone. After all, it's a direct reflection of your crazy, out-of-control life. You live in a parallel universe -- stay there. Nobody wants that kind of energy in their house.

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Libra Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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Isolating and eating yourself into obesity won't produce the result you're looking for. Nobody feels bad for a fat weirdo. But, you can extract sympathy by acting as pathetic as possible. Don't try so hard -- you're practically there already.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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Sure, your boss is profoundly stupid, your friends are the dullest people around, and collectively, your family couldn't charm their way out of a wet paper bag. But doesn't all this make you feel just a little bit better about yourself? Revel in your mediocrity!

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Leo Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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Your attempt to illustrate your creativity by composing funny but insulting songs about each of your friends ruins a perfectly good dinner party and leaves your friends hungry -- and you hungry for friends. Find another outlet to express yourself.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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Spend the day working on your preparedness plan, in the event you encounter a personal disaster. Knowing you, that could be anything from dismemberment to public humiliation. The possibilities for a catastrophe are endless.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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While you've never been particularly fond of working for a living, you'll change your tune when you realize your landlord won't let you pay rent with food stamps and that your only other option is to marry him.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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You'll take the joke too far today. In fact, by the end of the day, people will be sick and tired of hearing the same old crap come out of your mouth. If you know what's good for you, you'd shut up after the first round of uncomfortable giggles.

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Aries Horoscope for February 15, 2010

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Don't be surprised when a family member rains on your parade today. Take heart in knowing that if things weren't going this well for you, they'd have no reason to throw water on your good time. Is this the wake-up call you've been waiting for? Perhaps!

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Pisces Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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Your deep dislike of gravity will do nothing to stop the dreaded force from working its evil magic on your arms, gut and ass. Ultimately, you'll decide it's better to accept the forces of nature than to spend every day pumping barbells, doing aerobics and starving yourself.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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You'll be disappointed when you wonder out loud why you haven't gotten farther in life. The answers are the same: You're a loser, cut and dry. Everybody's known it for years, but you're just starting to catch on. It'll never get any better unless you stop being so pathetic.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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The word 'scumbag' has such negative connotations, all of which can be unquestionably applied to you today. The fact of the matter is, there's nothing remotely redeeming about you. Dig deep -- you may find a glimmer of hope underneath all that emotional muck.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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If you want to avoid embarrassment, don't do anything stupid, anything that will garner you fame on the Internet. That's the worst kind of celebrity you could hope for. Remain humble, stay sober and you'll stay out of trouble.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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While you've always heard that it's easy to sit back and criticize the people who actually do things, today the message is driven home when you find yourself sitting back and criticizing the people who are actually doing things.

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Libra Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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Don't do anything fun or risky today because certain disaster awaits. Your parachute probably won't open, your brakes will fail and you'll catch a nasty case of E. Coli from your lunch. Stick with the basics -- stick with the boring. Remember: safety first!

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Virgo Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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People don't hate you because you're beautiful; they hate you because you're a jerk. Being nice isn't something people do just to get what they want -- at least not most folks. Get with the program; a little humility and tact will go a long way.

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Leo Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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You'll initiate just about anything to prove you are spontaneous. But keep this in mind: whenever you go into anything half-assed, it never goes well. A little planning thrown into the chaos never hurt. Think before you act.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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When you run into an old friend from high school, you'll be confused by the way they look at you. Don't be: it's simple. They are wondering what it feels like to have nothing to look forward to. After all, your good times have passed you by.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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Today, focus on improving your mind through literature, your body through exercise and your sexual prowess through flirting -- it is, after all, Valentine's Day. When you are the best that you can be, feel free to let it all fall to pieces and start over again.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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Today a good friend will sit you down and attempt to explain the rules of life -- for the umpteenth time. Though you are still a little unclear on the scoring, you'll have a better idea of why you are falling so far behind. The challenge is, what are you going to do about it?

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Aries Horoscope for February 14, 2010

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Though you thought this relationship was over, what you've been experiencing was just a lull between the original film and the sequel. So prepare yourself for more explosions. Just remember, the sequel is never better than the original.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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Your daydreams will dominate your day. That's fine if you have nothing else to do, but if you're off in LaLa Land at the expense of your work, you'd better snap out of it -- and fast. Don't let your fantasies interfere with reality.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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Scary dreams will interfere with your slumber, but that's no reason to call in sick. You will not die from lack of sleep. Buck up and do what you have to do. Make a pact with yourself tonight to drink until you pass out. That should help you get some much-needed shut eye.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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Be prepared to sublimate your destructive urges with sweet things, such as chocolate milk, cake and spoonfuls of straight sugar. You might end up with bad teeth and a pear-shaped figure, but at least your friends will still talk to you.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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One of these days you'll stop looking to other people to provide you with happiness and entertainment. Be your own rock of Gibraltar and things will go a lot smoother. After all, you can't count on anyone, so you might as well start leaning on yourself.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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Your confession will only make you look like an even bigger jerk than you already do. Sometimes the truth is highly overrated -- this is one of those times. If you can avoid the confrontation, do so. If not, don't worry, you'll learn to sleep again eventually.

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Libra Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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Courage is definitely something to strive for, but when it starts interfering with your life -- as it is now -- it's time to back off on the hero routine. You can't save the world; you can't even save the people around you. Focus on your own issues.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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You can't take back an insult, so don't hit below the belt today, verbally speaking. You can try to pass off the mockery as a joke, but it's doubtful anyone will believe it. If you weren't such a slow learner you'd have figured this out by now.

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Leo Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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Your attempts to sound exotic by speaking with a fake accent make you sound like you have an unfortunate speech impediment. If you can make a speech impediment trendy you'll be on to something. Otherwise, stop the too-cool-for-school routine.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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It's better to fail at something you love than to succeed at something you hate -- unless of course you're being paid a tremendous amount of money, which you probably aren't. It's time to start prioritizing what you're good at; otherwise, you'll be eternally miserable.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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There is always more than one right answer to any problem, though today the opposite is true. You will find that the wrong answers are the only ones available to you, so make the best of the situation. You'll find what you're looking for on the flip side.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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When an old friend or rival -- depending on your perspective -- sends you an email out of the blue, you're curious and write back. If and when you decide to meet up with them, keep your marital status under wraps and go solo. This could get really interesting.

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Aries Horoscope for February 13, 2010

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Love looms on your horizon like a glowing ball of hot burning romance -- or maybe that's the sun. Either way things are about to heat up! Though you'll meet over drinks and bond over Valentine's Day, you'll be history by the spring equinox.

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Pisces Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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No, not every story needs to be told, and your life is far from interesting. Writing your memoires will be a total waste of time. Instead, why not add a little spice to your boring and pathetic life? Then you'll have something to write about.

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Aquarius Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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When the object of your affection breaks your romantic interlude, you'll deal with it in an uncustomary fashion by simply finding someone else to share a little cozy time with. Sounds pretty simple, but it won't be -- matters of the heart never are.

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Capricorn Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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An omen someone close to you predicted is about to come to fruition, and you'll be pissed you didn't pay a little more attention to their warning. Assume the crash position and keep your head down until the debris stops flying.

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Sagittarius Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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No matter what, take a walk on the wild side today. Forget what's expected, appropriate or correct. Throw caution to the wind and don't worry about the looks you'll get. It's your life and you have to live it however you see fit.

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Scorpio Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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During a conversation today you'll inadvertently give away a secret for which you will pay dearly. You can play stupid and act as if you didn't know the information was confidential, but in the long run, that won't do you much good. You're a bad liar.

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Libra Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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You've known for a long time that it's a dog-eat-dog world, but you'll take offense when someone reminds you of this fact -- what do they think you are, an idiot? Unfortunately, yes. Do something brilliant to prove them wrong.

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Virgo Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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There are good days, there are bad days, and then there are the days that are so painfully boring you're tempted to buy a boatload of dynamite so you can blow the whole thing to bits and start over.

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Leo Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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Today your desperate search for inspiration will land you deep in unknown territory: the library. The last time you were here was in elementary school. Go on -- reacquaint yourself with the Dewey Decimal System. It'll be a good thing.

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Cancer Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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Today you are the consummate waffler: You can't make up your mind to save your life! If you were in the path of a speeding truck, you'd just stand still, deciding which way to run. Don't overthink everything so much -- just take action and the rest will follow.

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Gemini Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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You'll wake to find that your loved one has left a list of all your shortcomings on the bedside table. You don't have anything against self-improvement, but you have a hard time accepting that your height is a fault.

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Taurus Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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After a workplace faux pas today, don't try to backpedal your way out of it. Excuses will only hurt your chances of smoothing the waters. It's better to smile and play dumb since stupidity, after all, is not really much of a stretch for you.

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Aries Horoscope for February 12, 2010

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When a friend shares their good news with you, you'll feel nothing but jealousy and resentment. Though you'll take a stab at putting on a good face, your real feelings will show through -- you really want to stab them instead. Try to be happy for someone else.

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